Heelprints In The Sand

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Nathanael tiptoed into the bedroom and I felt his eyes on me before I was fully aware of his presence. It’s a rather unpleasant feeling to be watched while you’re asleep.

“What’s the matter?”

“I don’t feel so good” he whispered.

“Do you have a headache?”

“No.”

“A tummy ache?” I clumsily reached up to feel his forehead which was cool
and damp.

“No.”

“Worried about making the mortgage payment?”

(pause)

“No.”

“Did you have a bad dream?”

“Yeah.”

I’m so glad that I’m his soft place to land. It’s one of those special mother privileges that I’ve never taken for granted. I just had to get up and write about it so I can remember this feeling when my nest is empty.

“Mom.”

“What, Scooter?”

“Your typing is keeping me awake.”

Yeah. Parenting. The hardest job I’ll ever love.

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She started asking when she was fourteen years old. Kaitlyn wanted a belly button piercing more than life itself but I put her off by saying that there was no way she was getting one before turning eighteen because I could not be convinced to sign the consent form.

On the record…it was still a stupid thing to do. Off the record…I’m so glad I got to be there.

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At 2 AM this morning I found myself standing before the refrigerator door, pondering the meaning of life while contemplating whether or not to fish out the two remaining shriveled pickle duds which everyone else refused to eat. Instead, with a giant sigh of shame, I settled on a can of sweetened condensed milk. Once again I risked being discovered since I couldn’t find out hand held can opener and had to resort to the electric one. In the silence of the night, that appliance is utterly deafening! Still, I opened it, grabbed a spoon and headed for the darkness of the living room.

It was a traumatic experience the last time I was caught with a can sweetened condensed milk. Darren made this huge deal about it, announcing to anyone who would listen how his wife was hiding a disgusting habit.

“Who eats that stuff from the can?? It’s for baking! Or Cooking! What’s wrong with you???”

Says the man who has never had to deal with ovaries and an unquenchable sweet tooth. To hear him talk you’d think that he caught me putting my fingers in my armpits then smelling them in front of our pastor. It is MY pancreas, after all.

So I finished my treat, disposed of the evidence under the trash in the garbage can, brushed my teeth and quietly slid into bed, hoping not to wake him.

“You just ate a can of sweeten condensed milk, didn’t you?” He mumbled, turning over in a revolted huff.

“You heard the can opener?”

“Yeah. That, and the cat is following you everywhere. I’d ask you to spoon with me but I think you’ve had enough spoon for the night.”

And here I thought I was the funny one in this relationship.

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Wow did this help me to gain perspective today! I woke up this morning determined to have a thankful heart and to practice abiding in Christ…ready to walk out my faith in each and every moment.

Then one of my kids pissed me off with a snide comment. Ha. Something small threw me off track and set in motion this whole self pity thing. My sky became partly cloudy rather than partly sunny.

Ever have the best intentions for your day and end up feeling like a failure wondering what went wrong? It’s so easy for me to get discouraged. That’s why, when I opened my email and discovered that Mom had sent me a link to this video, it was the perfect timing. I had to get my focus back on Him and off myself or my ever-so-rude child who ended up spending time at the kitchen table thinking of different ways to express anger.

I’ve read that God’s mercies are new every morning, but today I discovered they are new every minute. Thank God for do-overs.

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Last Saturday we decided to pick strawberries as a family. It immediately turned into a contest of “who could pick the most… the fastest”. Since I had Nathanael and Daniel on my team, and had to look at each and every strawberry treasure they picked, we promptly lost.

I didn’t care.

This didn’t go unnoticed by the army of sugar ants camped outside of my house during the summer months. They have launched their assault on my sanity by forming a never ending stream through some undiscovered crack in our perimeter. Now my home smells of strawberry jam and bleach.

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I was talking with Kirsten the other day, discussing the Paris Hilton interview on Larry King, when she said something I just love:

“It’s hard to find Jesus when you’re searching for yourself.”

Personally I think it should be a title of a book. I could probably contribute a few chapters myself since I fight the selfishness monster daily.

I’m not sure if it is because Darren and I recently made vows to each other after having gone through a divorce or if God is holding me to the fire of refinement, but I’ve been examining my heart and trying to find out exactly who God wants me to be as a woman, wife and mother. It’s part of the reason I wrote the presidential post last week.

This society of ours values women so differently than God and if I believed our society’s version of “a woman more precious than jewels”, I would definitely have to go get that boob job and tummy tuck in order to have any self worth. I would have to play my part in keeping up with the Joneses and reduce my family size to 1.3 children, exchanging my role of mommy for the corporate ladder, competing with men for position and power in order to prove I am not of the weaker sex.

God’s job description for a woman appeals to every ounce of femininity I possess:

“Love their Husbands, Love their Children, to be Discreet, Chaste, Workers at Home, Good, Kind, Submissive to their own Husbands …”
(Titus 2: 4-5)

I think I could easily spend ten lifetimes trying to achieve the qualities necessary to fulfill this passage properly and yet the world seems to think I would be taking a giant step backwards for womankind if I make this my life’s goal.

It makes me want to take the world by the shoulders and give it a good shake. I can’t imagine how it makes God feel.

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I spent this morning being so thankful to spend my day at home. Could this weather be more gorgeous? The kids are spending their day at summer rec and then swimming at the pool. Tonight we have a tee ball game. It’s like being on vacation without leaving home. I love it!

After the somewhat brutal responses I received after making my post about what I would do if I were president, I just want to hunker down and consider what God wants with my life. Am I strong enough to stand on my convictions and maintain composure even while being called names and ridiculed by mean people? Just how strong is my faith?

I downloaded an audiobook on the book of Matthew from iTunes and listened while I cleaned. Jesus taught us not to be surprised when truth is mocked. He didn’t come to bring peace. While my brain understands, my heart is somewhat retarded. Know how when you were a kid and you were waiting for the day to arrive to leave for camp? There was anticipation and excitement and it seemed like the day would never come. That’s how I feel about the Lord returning. How much more wicked and deceived does this world need to become before His return?

Hopefully it will happen before my next mortgage payment is due.

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